Get to Know You: Part II
I first typed “buzzed,” not “Buzzfeed.” Make of that what you will. Or consider yourself warned.
I often ask myself, as faux-pretentious people with bad insomnia do, how we knew anything about ourselves before Internet quizzes. Many of the pop-culture, entertainment, historical, etc. aspects of my personality had yet to be unearthed pre-Facebook. Who needs an analyst when you can just click on the color that’s most immediately appealing? (and my insurance won’t pay for existential analysis; I asked)
This would make an excellent paper of pure, 100% B.S. that I would absolutely write. “The Socratic Imperative in the Media Age: Self-(Re)Discovery in Your Facebook Time/Line.”  That really needs the word “liminal” in there somewhere, but let me follow my usual writing routine: make coffee and stay up all night. I’ll get back to you.
Which Character From “The L Word” Are You?
You are exceptionally talented at sports and enjoy working out and pushing yourself.  But in relationships, you tend to shy away from the people you’re attracted to. You sometimes don’t notice if someone is gay or straight. You’re sweet, a good friend, and you broke our hearts when you left the show.
Let Us Predict Your Romantic Future
You got: You will fall in love with yourself 
You will overcome a hardship in the near future that will make you realize, no matter what else happens, you cannot move on until you care for yourself first. And you will.
Well, I’m not going to disagree with RuPaul. That way lies disgrace and defeat.
(next quiz I chose skipped; first question asked me to identify which Friends character I am. I a) don’t know who any of them are and b) doubt any apply)
Which ’90s Toy Are You?
You got: Furby
Though you’re clever and kind, you’re misunderstood. For some reason, people are creeped out by you, despite your adorable big eyes and your genius ability to learn languages. Just keep repeating “Me love you!” and they’ll come around.
I had a Furby, but my cat hated its guts. She hated most things’ guts, actually (which she demonstrated by leaving them- the guts- on the doormat). Do they still make Furbies? I need a pet . . .
Who Should You Do Tonight?
You got: The Delivery Guy
Beef — it’s what’s for dinner. Tonight you’ll be eating out from home.
There was a lost delivery person here last week. I’ve got a menu. Booty call? Foodie call?
What City Do You Actually Belong In?
You got: New York
Let’s be honest: This is the best result on this quiz. Who wouldn’t want to move to New York? Chumps, that’s who. A buncha chumps. You can act a bit crazy at times but, then again, who isn’t a little crazy from time to time? You’re spontaneous, candid, and the most exciting person in any room. I want to hang out with you. Can we hang? No? OK. Keep it up.
Look for the Kickstarter link tomorrow to make this happen. Um, as soon as I check the terms of service. If not, I’ll just mail everybody deposit slips.
We Know When You’re Going To Get Married
You got: Next Year
You’re just about to put a ring on it! You’ve found the love of your life, or romance is just around the corner for you. You’re well-suited for married life — now get back to planning your big day!
The move from the RuPaul answer to this one indicates that I’m doing some warp-speed self-examination. Or am going to be involved in a green card marriage. Or am going to do something on a bet (involving money).
Clearly, we cannot speculate that these quizzes are unreliable.
Can We Guess What You Wanted To Be When You Grew Up?
You got: Harry Potter
You wanted to be a Harry Potter when you grew up, because wizards get stuff done. If they don’t like something, they will just cast a spell and get rid of that ish. Wizards don’t take crap from anybody, plus they get to fight bad guys and stuff. Plus all your favorite imaginary friends were wizards, and they seemed to be having a good time.
Okay, maybe they CAN be wrong. There was no Harry Potter in the 80s. And this is nowhere remotely close to what I wanted to be when I grew up (if you do know that, you know me well– or remember my library borrowing record).  
Disillusionment. Le sigh. I guess the only option for knowing myself remains . . . knowing myself. Introspection can be a real bummer.
 It would still not be as steamy a pile of poo as the Wordsworth dialectic-not-a-dialectic paper I wrote for a grad school seminar. I could have written something just as good or better aided by a chatbot. I just used A.L.I.C.E. to come up with this dialogue, which was, in fact, the paper’s so-called thesis:
 Laughing like that is unkind, you know.
 Being a ghost is on my (post) bucket list.
 Feel free to speculate in the comments.
 In the interests of full disclosure, I did not finish the Harry Potter books; I didn’t like them very much. Perhaps I just read them at the wrong time in my life. I read an article or some sort of commentary once by a person who remarked she liked the setting very much but disliked the characters; I feel much the same way (I wish I had made a note of that piece, as I can’t locate it now). I saw the first movie and didn’t like it, either– but I did see it a few days after seeing the first LOTR, which was pretty unfair.